"A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others, but from one's comparison with one's ideal self."
I learned about Adlerian psychology over the last couple of weeks. Named after Alfred Adler, the psychology proposes that we are not shaped by our past but rather by the meaning or lessons we choose to extract from life events. It's also called Adlerian philosophy and can be considered the antithesis of the Freudian approach. I'd never heard of Adlerian philosophy until I read The Courage To Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Much like The Greatest Miracle in the World, the book takes an interesting approach in that it is written as a conversation between a philosopher and a young man and his pursuit of happiness. I liked some of the broader aspects of Adlerian psychology and its similarity with other self-help approaches I've learned over the last few months. I'll touch on a couple of those before wrapping up with the gist of this week's post: the difference between Freud and Adler's approach and how I think it applies (or doesn't) to my self-help journey.
Common Threads Popping Up Again
The narrative of The Courage To Be Disliked is split into five nights, each representing a different dialogue between a philosopher and a young man. Each night's discussion focuses on a specific Adlerian theme:
The First Night: This one cuts right to the chase by exploring the concept that our past does not dictate our future.
The Second Night: This instalment of the book considers that all problems stem from interpersonal relationships.
The Third Night: Establishes the idea that "separating tasks" will simplify relationships and life.
The Fourth Night: Highlights the significance of a sense of community as a key to happiness.
The Fifth Night: The concluding 'night' underlines the importance of living authentically and humbly in the here and now.
While reading The Courage To Be Disliked, I thought about many books, but two stood out the most, and they relate to Nights Three and Five.
"If you are leading a life of worry and suffering - which stems from interpersonal relationships - first, learn the boundary of 'from here on, that is not my task'. And discard other people's tasks. That is the first step toward lightening the load and making life simpler."
The Third Night contains a sub-chapter titled Discard Other People's Tasks, and I immediately thought it was another way of saying 'Let Them'. Mel Robbins' book is everywhere - in bookstores, online, on social media, on The Mel Robbins Podcast and on the numerous shows the writer and motivational speaker has been on over the last few weeks. And, rightfully so, The Let Them Theory has been revelatory for me ever since I read the book, which encourages one to let go of control and to let others be so that you can focus on yourself. Over the last few weeks, I've tried very hard to take this approach whenever I am met with challenging people or events, but it is easier when dealing with more minor battles. The big ones - the life-altering ones are very different.
"Do not treat it (life) as a line. Think of life as a series of dots. If you look through a magnifying glass at a solid line drawn with chalk, you will discover that what you thought was a line is actually a series of small dots. Seemingly linear existence is actually a series of dots; in other words, life is a series of moments... We can live only in the here and now."
Freud or Adler? Which Camp Am I In?
Of course, I examined Nights Three and Five within the context of last week's life event that derailed me, the one that continues to see me off-track and struggling to recalibrate.
As mentioned in my opening paragraph, determinism versus free will is one of the key differences between the Freudian and Adlerian approaches. The Courage To Be Disliked introduced me to aetiology, the philosophical study of causation (in the case of Freud) and teleology, the explanation of phenomena concerning the purpose an experience serves (in the case of Adler). Where Freud believed that our past experiences, particularly those in childhood, highly influenced present behaviour, with little room for intentional choice, Adler believed that, despite what happened in the past, we ultimately make our own choices throughout life.
In last week's blog, I felt deeply when I wrote, "I am adrift at sea and can't find the North Star. There is no power in the now."
I felt it deeply enough that I had my first (recorded) panic attack the day after posting last week's blog. My resting heart rate was 120BPM for more than two hours, and I spent almost five hours in the hospital just trying to calm down. To Let Them to the extent that I could focus on The Power of Now. I couldn't. And my heart rate is still elevated almost a week later.
"I'm just a huge blob of feelings of inferiority."
This is the crux of the matter for me. My ideal self is someone who knows peace, even amidst chaos. I did not know peace this week, and it made me think about The Second Night. Adler was right—all problems stem from interpersonal relationships. Whether directly or indirectly, the pain we suffer is always at the hands of someone else. This has been my biggest struggle over the last eleven days. I've subscribed to the Freudian cause and effect and have faltered in my months-long attempt at embracing the Adlerian philosophy of free will —the will to choose how I react to something. But what about justice? Inhumanity? Does one choose to ignore that and not be affected by it? Do we Let Them and simply create a now where life-altering events don't matter?
This journey I'm on... I think I have a long way to go yet.
Coming Up Next Week
Gabor Mate's The Myth of Normal has been on my bookshelf for months. I think it's time I delve deeper into his thoughts on trauma.
#anxiety #depression #selfhelp #mindfulness #youarenotalone #thereisnostigma #thecouragetobedisliked
This blog has given me reason to do some introspection.